No More Hide and Sneak
So here’s a slightly different kind of post. I have a personal confession. Writing these words alone already seems to hint at the possibility of freedom. I’m suddenly breathing easier. To be honest though, it is not without embarrassment or fear of judgment that I’m writing. Still the thought of freedom begs me to continue. So here it is…over the past 2 months I’ve been emotionally eating late at night, nearly every night. Not necessarily binging, but eating so close to bed that I’ve been chronically waking up feeling stuffed and uncomfortable, all while knowing the emotional nature of this eating and its attempt to distract myself from feelings of loneliness and insufficiency. I know this is not the most shocking confession, we're not talking illicit affairs or murder, but the shame around this behavior has been eating me alive! Add to it the expectation that since I teach these courses and coach people to breakthrough this very experience, I should be beyond this. Torture!
Late night eating is a practice I gave up years ago as I decided to seriously shift my relationship with food and feelings, and lose weight. It is not surprising that as a result of my secret bedtime eating ritual I’ve gained about 10 pounds. The funny thing about weight gain is that for all the secretive behavior and hidden shameful feelings, weight is not something a person can hide! It is right there for all to see. It makes me curious, that perhaps in it there lies a hidden desire for others actually to see that something is going on.
When I was growing up, hiding food and secretive eating was common fare. I remember being extremely cautious to the point of tip-toeing, to avoid making noise as I would sneak into the pantry, refrigerator, or cookie jar, late at night to eat whatever I could get my hands on. In my experience as a facilitator I’ve seen how common this experience is for people who’ve struggled with food and dieting. When I first began working with my life coach, she called me out on this habit of “hiding and sneaking”. In fact this was one of the most useful tools to me as I initially started to lose weight. She invited me to “come out of the refrigerator” and in this practice I began to taste freedom; freedom from shame, isolation, and self-loathing.
I’m writing this for the sake of my own freedom but also as an invitation to any readers who have been playing the game of hide and sneak, to open the door to this kind of freedom. One teacher of mine has frequently reminded me that while our lives are personal, they are not private. Everything that goes on over here has an impact over there, spoken or not. And certainly there is huge impact in hiding. Whether or not we admit it, the world misses a part of us when we hide. A significant portion of our vitality is squashed in the experience. And if you revisit my blog post, “what are you not saying”, you may be reminded just how powerful breaking the silence and sharing our truths can be.
My purpose here is to remind those of us who’ve been hiding that there is a way to escape the feelings of isolation and shame, get real, and be connected and supported again. This is about the freedom on the other side of hiding. It looks like a phone call to a friend “outing” ourselves when we’re tempted to do something otherwise sneaky. It looks like eating in front of others as often as possible. It looks like confessing whatever it is we’ve been too ashamed to share with a friend, a coach or support group. It looks like brainstorming and asking for support from the people in our lives. It looks like courage, friendship, intimacy, joy, lightness, and something a hell of a lot nicer than alone! Ahh…
