A Picture of Myself

I saw a client yesterday who is on the brave road out of disordered eating and a long struggle with controlling food. She has come a long way and old obsessions around food and calories and exercise have lost their grip.  She found a new way with food – one that includes being peaceful while still having goals. 

This weekend she saw some recent photos of herself with her friends that threw her into a tailspin about not being “far enough” in her weight-loss goals despite all her hard work.  Suddenly her efforts felt hard and it didn’t feel fair.  And there where questions about “What’s the point?”  This was not something I had heard her say in nearly a year.  It was an old way of thinking coming from an old voice.  And it was a photo that she saw where she was comparing her body to other bodies in the picture that triggered all that suffering.  She spent the next three days feeling bad about her body and herself. 

Amazing, how one little trigger (a photo, a glimpse in a particular mirror, your shadow being larger than your friend’s, etc.) can create this ugly spiral downward into a world of hate around your body?  This fragile position that many of us know is a vulnerable place to live.  A place where whether or not you are “good” or have worth is flicked on or off after glimpse of a reflection or a small fluctuation on the scale.   

I know this place.  You may know this place.  It’s dark, it’s lonely, and it’s not empowered.  It’s a victim place.  When I can see myself headed there I do two things:

First, feel what I am feeling.  Usually I will write out on a page or several pages how unfair it is, or how disappointed I am in myself, or my mother for making me who I am, or whatever bull I need to release.  Then it’s out, and then I can move on.  I choose not to indulge in this place, which is loaded with untruths and cruelty (all self-imposed oddly enough).  It’s not a fun or productive place to be, so I leave promptly. 

Next I simply chose a different direction (a talk with Yiska, or my husband, or a walk, or recommitting to a promise around food that I may have neglected).  I will not make my world a cruel place.  I am less vulnerable now because I know how to leave this place, if it comes, I can leave on my own accord now.  Thank you choice. 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
-Serenity Prayer.